The Octopus
For Crago x Decreasingly Successful Conversations: The first bit. The week I moved to Wellington, the only Kiwi I actually knew was...
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LIKE MOST IDIOTS
By Jakes
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Aug 1311 min read
Doctor's Orders
The doctor asked if I was suicidal "No, no. Nothing like that. I just think about it all the time." He looked up from his tick sheet and...
Mar 218 min read
Netball & Equality
"Double double double, Sol Campbell has won the double. And the scum from the lane, 'ave won fuck all again. Sol..." "JAKE!" My teacher...
Jan 1420 min read
Old Donuts - Getting Lost - Party
I have a good enough relationship with my mother that I thought it would be a good idea but a healthy enough relationship that it wasn't....
Dec 10, 20237 min read
Drag Homework
Time to get my shit together, I'm moving country again. Changing continents is the only time all my shits accounted for, and not...
Oct 28, 20237 min read
Great Expectations
I love my dear Nana but when she asked a 19 year old me to go on a "holiday", with her, to meet her elderly cousins, to a small town...
Sep 30, 20235 min read
Champion of Woolies
What do you think of when you hear the name Woolworths? Maybe it's playing an innocent game of 'Who can hide the most non-pick n mix...
Aug 5, 202310 min read
School Prison
I always assumed every school had a prison where they locked up the naughty children. The fuck else do you do with them? Apparently it...
Jul 2, 20235 min read
My Hero Wrighty OBE
Growing up my older brother had a picture of David Rocastle on his bedroom wall. Torn out a magazine & pinned proudly with Blu Tack. By...
May 15, 20236 min read
Interview in a Strip Club
My 75 year old great aunt was dropping me off to a job interview an hour outside Toronto one fine spring morning. It was for an...
May 7, 20233 min read
Sluglympics
I walk up the stairs to Wonderland. As soon as I show my face in the hostel common area I hear the usual cry of "Jakeeee". Only this time...
May 1, 20235 min read
Sepian Magic
The year was 2019 and me and my more grammatically correct friends were in Amsterdam. Eager for some culture we smoked a bat and headed...
Mar 24, 20236 min read
Binmanasaurus
Binmanasaurus Binmanasaurus Binmanasaurus Binmanasaurus Binmanasaurus I was a Junior Gunner from the age of eight right up to 19. I have...
Feb 19, 20238 min read
Abandonment Issues
Jan 10th. I'm all for nepotism, it's just a shame my parents have fuck all to offer. I have an abandonment issue - How do I abandon my...
Jan 10, 202312 min read
Drug Smuggle
I've bought a one way ticket to Bangkok. And no, I am not going on my own. What sort of loser do you take me for? I'm going with my mum....
Dec 3, 20225 min read
Legalisation Day
I had no idea Toronto legalised weed right before I moved there, it was just one of those happy miracles. Like when your dog shits right...
Nov 6, 20225 min read
Cup Final Day
I had this mad dream that I once pulled the fire alarm in the Eaglet pub on Seven Sisters Road during the 2015 FA cup final. Then last...
Oct 23, 20228 min read
The Time I Got Deported
This story is a bit of a mess. A direct result of it being my actual life. I was arguing with the mean lady holding the gun. "I'm not...
Sep 18, 20226 min read
notes
Day 13 on the Hypochondria ward at Watford General. There's nothing wrong with me I lie. Accidentally telling the truth maybe. I think:...
Apr 18, 20224 min read
F Bombs
It's been over three months now since an inscribed outburst and whenever that happens I like to think you people wonder how my latest...
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