Tell me, what are your favourite crisps?
As I have given this considerable thought
The sort of deep, romantic thought that poets like to do on park benches
With a raised eyebrow
One fist under the chin
And the other scratching around a bag of Hula Hoops
So they can put the potato rings on the end of their fingers without looking
Then nibble them off one by one
As all poets must like to do
When I realised to my shame
Something surely unforgivable
My favourite flavour is promotional.
Give me a packet of limited edition please
I'm not buying because I think they look nice
I've not heard good things
I just need to try them
If Walkers brought out piss crisps I'd march straight down the shops
I know what you're thinking but don't be daft
It's more like how roast chicken crisps are actually vegetarian
You may be feigning some denial
Telling yourselves that you wouldn't try the Walkers Piss Crisps
Now see here
Dignity is the crisps natural enemy
One for the dog & two for me.
Heralded by mum's making pack' lunches
Pub landlords making profit
They're working class, classless and fucking class
If you think Kettle Chips are middle class
Then explain Truffle crisps in a Tesco meal deal
How would a food critic tackle a bag of Skips?
They may not be good but by God they are amazing
How can a Michelin star chef possibly
comprehend the complexities of a Scampi Fry?
The history, social etiquette and larger pairing
The political juggernaut that is the humble Tayto
Or yelling to the playground on the first day of term
The exotic news from your holidays
"Spain have these well fancy Walkers called Lays".
Walkers might be popular but they don't half know it
They could release an unappealing conceptual range of flavours
like Spicy Bereavement or Austerity Pickle
Just take my money
But they have repeatedly denied Salt & Vinegar were ever blue or Cheese & Onion were ever green
It leaves a feeling in the pit of your stomach
Next to where the crisps go
For if they loved us back then they would admit they were wrong and we were right
In lieu of any sense or logic
Just to ease the feeling that we are being gaslit by a major corporation
But instead I’ll just eat this blue bag with a confused look on my face
As I wonder how much of my childhood was imagined
Hugging my knees and repeating these last words
Admit it you bastards.
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