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A Proper Joke

Updated: Dec 11, 2021

For Chloe 👊

This may shock all of you but I am not a professional writer. My eclectic spelling, idiosyncratic grammar, involuntary colloquialism and wankered vernacular are just some of my many unpublishable unprofessionalisms. I even use big unreal words like and 'unprofessionalisms'. Time to take myself a lot more seriously then, I thought.

In an attempt to become a professional writer I sent a sample of my work to the publishing house at Penguin. Unbelievably, I got a response. They said, in a formal correspondence, that it would be "a million years" before my work could ever be published on one of their biscuits. The joke was 'Why are gay men so anal? Because their traumatic upbringing has onset their OCD.' I think the real problem was that I forgot to write penguins instead of men. And NOT that it's "extremely insensitive". I fucking tried my best to explain that it's OK to make fun of real issues. And that "not everything is black and white" but they told me to fuck off.

Since this rejection, as well as long before, I have been abusing my position at Asda. Part of this practice frequently involves tippexing the back of a Penguin and writing interesting (that means made up) facts instead. So if you ever hear a child say that André the Giant could completely fill a Penguin wrapper with his 3rd wank of the day, then look no further.

I recently delivered shopping to one of my former teachers who said I would never amount to anything. Who's laughing now! Clearly it hadn't occurred to her that my failings would go over my own head. Which, since I'm insisting we're pointing fingers, is her fault.

Unprompted, I told her about my website where I think it's a good idea to share my unredacted madness. After expressing deep concern for this and my general well being, we parted ways (no tip). I was touched for the belated care but it did help me realise that if I were to get cancelled it would have all the implications of imposing bankruptcy on a tramp. The gift of this site then is the sheer unprofessionalism of it. Who the fuck wants to read something agenda driven after a hard day of tippexing.

Artwork by Catboy


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